street outreach for patriarchy!

Today I was hollered at twice. The first time was in early afternoon in midtown Manhattan. I was walking down the street and I saw a man with a clipboard in the middle of the street. I would not have stopped, but he asked, "Do you have time to sign a petition to raise the minimum wage to $10?"

I've always got time to sign a petition (unless it's for some crazy, scary cause).  I turned around, ready to sign and hear an explanation of the campaign. It went something like this:

"Ooh! You are beautiful! You are enough eye candy to make a man a diabetic!" 

Oy.

Although I didn't appreciate Mr. ACORN's come-ons (yes, that ACORN), I said, "Thank you," and went on to listen to his appeal. Sometimes, I just say thanks in order to acknowledge the incident and move forward; it is a preemptive measure to diffuse any aggression from a snubbed catcaller. For me, this reaction is part defense mechanism and part compliance --- an instinct from years and years of being taught how to be a please-and-thank-you, proper señorita. Does anyone else do this? Say "thank you" when really you're not thankful at all? 

I signed the petition, declined to make a contribution, and was ready to be on my way.

"I knew I should ask you to stop," he said. "I could tell you'd care. And I asked you to stop because I'm very attracted to you. I can tell you like to smile. I like to smile too. Are you single? Maybe I can help you?"

Oy (again). Help me with what? Also, petitioning and catcalling make for a problematic mix.

"I'm not single," I answered. "Have a nice day."

Usually, I don't answer questions of this sort. Whether I am single, married, dating, or in an open relationship does not matter. It is not any more appropriate to holler at a single woman than it is a married woman or a woman in a relationship. Moreover, lingering behind this whole "single" question is the question of property... As in, Do you already belong to some other dude? Cause I believe in property rights! THIS IS AMERICA! WE BELIEVE IN PROPERTY RIGHTS! 

As for the second catcall of the day...

It happened back in Brooklyn. Standard. A man called after me: "Hey mami." Good Lord. I hate being called mami, and I hope that it is pretty clear why. (If anyone wants to write a post on being called mami, please drop me a line).

I ignored him but seethed internally. Cursed to myself. Sent a text to a friend.

I wrote:
I want to punch everyone who calls me mami. In the face. 

She wrote:
I'll punch them for you. 

Please note, dear readers, that I do not advocate violence. I believe very much in peacemaking. 

This being said, why the texts? Nothing makes me feel quite as angry as feeling silenced and forced to hold things inside. The humiliation and indignity of catcalling --- of having a man speak to me in whatever way he sees fit --- is exacerbated by my sense that I cannot safely say anything in return. When I feel safe enough to speak back, I do. Other times, I think it is best for me to keep it moving.

I have had a few very powerful conversations with men about sexual violence, power, language, and gender. None of these conversations happened with strangers who catcalled me on the street. Many of these talks were with youth --- young people I counseled and talked to about patriarchy, abuse, and consent.

I was grateful for these teaching moments with young people --- opportunities to examine the way our actions and words create a culture and a community --- for better or for worse.

Exchanging ideas, listening, and asking questions can restore relationships, rather than punish (in the way that, say, punching someone in the face only punishes and destroys --- it does not restore). Young people are rad. I wish I had better strategies for engaging strangers in the same way --- with a spirit that confronts lovingly, naming the harm that has been done, encouraging transformation, and demanding respect.

Le sigh.

I'm working on it.