beautiful

On Tuesday, I ran an errand for a friend. I took a long walk in the neighborhood (between 20 and 30 minutes) in 90 degree weather.

In NYC, warm weather can be overwhelming. There is not much relief from block to block --- no shady trees, no ocean breeze, just tall buildings that lock in heat and cars that spew exhaust into the air. Sometimes, you can find a piragua or an icie to hold you over, but beyond that, you're pretty much left to sweat and, somehow, make it through.

I wore a tank top,  although I was worried about drawing attention to myself as I walked down a busy avenue in Brooklyn. But what was I going to do? IT WAS HOT. I was not about to wear a turtleneck! Nonetheless, I felt self-conscious when I left my house. I know it is not my fault if someone chooses to treat me with disrespect, but I could not help wondering whether I should have worn something else. As one of my favorite feminist zine contends:

Analysis does not equal immunity.

I got a total of 8 catcalls during my stroll. I got the first 4 within 2 minutes of walking. I was honked at, hissed at, whistled at, and yelled at in English and Spanish.

The lines were gems like: "Hey Beautiful! Long hair! Long hair!" and "Oye bonita!"

Beautiful. Bonita. Nice enough words, one would think. Words that are sometimes difficult to associate with myself. As a young woman of color, I encounter daily messages (from peers, media, government, and so on) that diminish my sense of worth and beauty. While many catcallers would contend there is an art or a romance to catcalling (game, if you will),  I fail to see the romance in having my appearance scrutinized and appraised without my consent or invitation.

Being called "beautiful" in the context of a catcall does nothing to make me actually feel beautiful --- in fact, the effect is quite often the opposite. I feel unsafe, objectified, nameless, consumed, racialized.

A sense of worth and empowerment go hand in hand. Experiences of self-determination and of radical, beloved community are far more likely to help me know my worth and my power. All a catcall does is reproduce the culture that made me question my worth in the first place.

this isn't what rihanna was talking about

It rained in New York City today. Perfect weather for writing, baking, sleeping, dreaming... and, apparently, you-know-what.

I went for a walk around 6 pm. I carried a very large umbrella that prevented me from seeing anything to my left or right.

Imagine my surprise when a man's face popped up under my umbrella!

He was crouched down so that he could peer up at me from underneath the umbrella. He was smiling so big that I wondered for a moment whether I knew him from somewhere. I did not. I ignored him and thought:

Why are you under my umbrella? Fool. 

I kept walking and he caught up with me. Tapped me on the shoulder. I turned to see if I had dropped something and he was trying to return it (wishful thinking). I had not dropped anything, and he was not trying to return anything. He handed me his business card. "No thank you," I said and kept it moving.

Maybe he wasn't trying to holler. Maybe he was just a particularly eager entrepreneur who thought it would be all right to invade my personal space, follow me, and try to catch my attention again after I ignored him once. I'm not sure what he said to me, if anything. Thank you, headphones.

Second incident today was nothing out of the ordinary. Standard Walk-By Appraisal. You know --- one of the catcalls when a man walking by decides he's going to tell you who you are, what you are like, and what you are worth --- and then continue on his merry way having taken the time to provide you with a much-needed evaluation/appraisal of who you are! I was waiting for the bus, when I heard, "Ooh. So sweet. Mmmm," in that low, terrifying pervy voice that so many catcallers love to use.

I wonder how he would respond to the same sort of appraisal.

That's all for today, folks. If it's raining where you are, stay dry and watch out for catcallers trying to stand under your umbrella! Wield that shit like a shield.

street outreach for patriarchy!

Today I was hollered at twice. The first time was in early afternoon in midtown Manhattan. I was walking down the street and I saw a man with a clipboard in the middle of the street. I would not have stopped, but he asked, "Do you have time to sign a petition to raise the minimum wage to $10?"

I've always got time to sign a petition (unless it's for some crazy, scary cause).  I turned around, ready to sign and hear an explanation of the campaign. It went something like this:

"Ooh! You are beautiful! You are enough eye candy to make a man a diabetic!" 

Oy.

Although I didn't appreciate Mr. ACORN's come-ons (yes, that ACORN), I said, "Thank you," and went on to listen to his appeal. Sometimes, I just say thanks in order to acknowledge the incident and move forward; it is a preemptive measure to diffuse any aggression from a snubbed catcaller. For me, this reaction is part defense mechanism and part compliance --- an instinct from years and years of being taught how to be a please-and-thank-you, proper señorita. Does anyone else do this? Say "thank you" when really you're not thankful at all? 

I signed the petition, declined to make a contribution, and was ready to be on my way.

"I knew I should ask you to stop," he said. "I could tell you'd care. And I asked you to stop because I'm very attracted to you. I can tell you like to smile. I like to smile too. Are you single? Maybe I can help you?"

Oy (again). Help me with what? Also, petitioning and catcalling make for a problematic mix.

"I'm not single," I answered. "Have a nice day."

Usually, I don't answer questions of this sort. Whether I am single, married, dating, or in an open relationship does not matter. It is not any more appropriate to holler at a single woman than it is a married woman or a woman in a relationship. Moreover, lingering behind this whole "single" question is the question of property... As in, Do you already belong to some other dude? Cause I believe in property rights! THIS IS AMERICA! WE BELIEVE IN PROPERTY RIGHTS! 

As for the second catcall of the day...

Late Night Walk from the Train

Last night I had a great night with a friend of mine. We watched very bad TV and ate very good grilled cheese. At around 10:30 pm, she decided it was time for her to head home, so I walked with her to the train station. It was a short walk and there were people out. I don't mind walking with others late at night. I tend to dislike walking alone because that is when you-know-what happens. After I dropped her off, I turned around to make the walk back. Around two blocks from my home, it happened.

"Hey, baby. How you doing?"

I was on the phone. A deliberate choice on my part to deter catcallers. To no avail. I kept walking and this man kept talking to me.

"Where you going? How are you? What? You can't talk to me? Hey sexy."

I kept walking and he kept talking, until eventually I was far enough that I could not make out what he was saying. This was not entirely comforting.

What did he expect me to do? End my call? Turn around and stop? Drop what I'm doing, about face, and say, "Oh, I'm sorry! You requested I stop, so here I am!"?

I find this to be one of the scariest things about catcalling (I've got a long list). When you have clearly ignored someone and chosen to keep it moving, and the person keeps pursuing you. Either by talking or following. I fear things will escalate. With my back turned toward that guy, I felt vulnerable. I wasn't sure what to do, so I did what I always do. I just kept walking.

catcalled on a monday (maybe)

I am sort of amazed that last week passed without any sketchy encounters that left me with the killing rage and terrible shrinking feeling that often accompany catcalling. Chalk it up to irony. I start this blog and somehow the universe knows, fears patriarchy smashing, and relents...

If only that were how the world worked!

Yesterday, I went to the gym. When I finished my work out, I felt great. Endorphins, sweat, cleared sinuses, the whole deal. As I got dressed to leave the gym, I made sure to put on my sweatshirt inside out. The name and logo of my college are printed on the back of my sweatshirt, and it has been used in the past by catcallers to name me and catch my attention. I may have looked funny wearing my sweatshirt inside out, but these are the sort of things I have learned to do to avoid attention. Hood up, hair up, head down, walk fast. 

Usually, my walks home from the gym are quite pleasant. I enjoy the sunlight and the breeze as I walk by kids getting out from school, older men and women sitting on their stoops. 

When I turned onto my block, I saw 4 or 5 men standing in front of my house. I started cursing to myself and praying, preparing for a confrontation. This is my gut reaction to groups of men, irrespective of age. I steady myself, I brace for myself, for whatever it is they are about to say.

As I approached, they began to speak all at once and I could not distinguish what they were saying. I heard one man apologize for blocking the entrance to my house. "It's all right," I said, as I walked up the stairs. This same man said, "Hunh?" as if he did not understand so I turned around and repeated, "It's all right." 

And then came the transition. Oh, the transition. The shift into the realm of the catcall. What begins as an innocent, "Good morning," or "Hello," that you reciprocate and acknowledge because you like strangers/ neighbors/ people, quickly devolves into: "Where are you going? Can I come? You got a boyfriend? Why do you look so mad? Smile for me, sweetie."

texting

It's been a relatively peaceful week. Hurrah! This I like. It seemed like a good time to do a "Greatest Hits of the Past Six Months"  --- with respect to catcalling, of course. 

Usually, the first thing I do after being catcalled, is curse. A lot. To myself. And then, I send a text message. Oh, technology. These are the texts that keep me sane. They allow me to feel connected to someone during those experiences of anger, fear, isolation, and loss of control. 

I fire off these messages to friends as an instant way of documenting the bullshit, however funny or disturbing. Sometimes, I can laugh it off. Other times, I can't, and I need the friendship and support of the ones who will listen. 

Recreated (from memory) are some of the best texts I've sent in the past six months, post-catcall. I am posting them here mostly because it is a quick way to exorcise myself of some of the most ridiculous and upsetting experiences I've had over the past six months. 

This man just touched my hair and then asked if it was real cause he's allergic to weave.

This man grabbed my arm and when I yanked my arm away and told him not to touch me, he cursed me out and yelled at me and would not stop cursing at me until I was down the block. Some other people on the street tried to calm him down. 

I went to the bodega for tortilla chips and a man followed me out of the store and across the street and would not leave me alone until I turned around to talk to him. I said my name was Nancy.

Got catcalled six times while doing laundry --- twice on the way to the laundromat, twice while my clothes were in the wash, and twice on the walk back. Can a girl wash her clothes in peace?

A man on the corner said he wanted to rape me.

What do you do after being catcalled? Do you tell friends and loved ones about it, or do you refrain because you fear their response? What sorts of texts have you sent about wack, patriarchal encounters with strangers/ friends/ relatives/ coworkers?

selling sex on craigslist, virginity myths debunked

Two articles of note crossed my inbox this morning. The first is about the trafficking of women and girls on Craigslist, which will make over $36 million this year from sex ads. I heard about this terrifying phenomenon when I attended a training last year provided by GEMS about the commercial sexual exploitation of children. If you don't know about GEMS already, check out their work: the documentary Very Young Girls, the Girls Are Not For Sale campaign, and their direct youth development work in the South Bronx. I know folks are working to challenge Craigslist to stop being "the biggest online hub for selling women against their will" (Stone NYT). If anyone knows specifically of ways to contribute, please share. Read the article! Thank you to Elizabeth for drawing my attention to this piece.

The second article is one over at Feministing. It is a list of virginity myths that were discussed and debunked at a "Rethinking Virginity" Conference at Harvard yesterday. The list is great, exploring everything from the "Queer Sex Doesn't Count" myth to the "Sex Within Marriage is the 'Healthiest' Kind" myth. The list does a good job of exploding homophobic and heteronormative ideas about sex; it also illuminates some of the consequences (duh!) of miseducating and shaming young people and, really, anyone about sex. You can find the article here.

I was especially interested in myths #4 and #10, which are about disrupting the before/after paradigm of virginity and encouraging the possibility of sex-positive abstinence. Too often are destructive dichotomies drawn between virginity/ sexuality or abstinence/ sexual activity.

I think about these dichotomies a lot in terms of Christianity. It has always fascinated (and disturbed) me that Christian ideology is often so complex, but when it comes to sexual ethics, the morality is reduced to the simple question of when, as in before or after a heterosexual marriage commitment. There are much deeper ethical questions to consider, such as consent, mutuality, freedom, power, respect, love, etc.

Both articles are about sex, sexuality, and what is and isn't sexually permissible in our culture (clearly, objectifying and selling young girls --- but not empowering young women to be sexual agents). I haven't been catcalled yet today, but I also have not left my house. So there!

Happy feminist reading, kids. And Happy Cinco de Mayo!


FEMINISTING - "Queer Sex Doesn't Count" And Nine Other Myths Uncovered - and Debunked - at the Harvard "Rethinking Virginity" Conference

NYT - Sex Ads Seen Adding Revenue to Craigslist

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